How to Make a Perfect Pizza

I thought I would blog abut something serious today, but then I thought–nah. I want to write about pizza.

I’m making two pizzas today, for a gathering with the old fam. Jonathan and I are famous for our pizzas. Made from scratch, they are probably the best pizzas I’ve ever had in my life, so unless some restaurant somewhere has us topped, they’ll be the best pizzas you’ve ever had either.

Here are the steps in creating the most magical pizza on earth.

  1. Own a bread maker.
  2. Use your bread-maker to make dough.
  3. Bake the dough separately at 525, or however high your oven will go.
  4. When it’s baked, put on the toppings.
  5. Bake it again.

I’m enjoying myself immensely because this is probably the stupidest blog I’ve ever written. Many of you are scratching your heads, or glaring and thinking, “I do not OWN a bread maker. I do not WANT to own a bread maker. This pizza blog post is discriminating against people who don’t own bread makers.”

Optional steps:

  1. Be cooler than me and make the dough by hand.
  2. Wear out your hands and get frustrated by how complicated baking is.
  3. Admire pre-kitchen appliance women.
  4. Buy a bread maker from goodwill because after you eat the pizza you make, you will realize it’s worth it.

Foolproof topping combinations:

  1. Sauce (pizza sauce. Don’t use spaghetti sauce or it will run over the sides and be runny and damp. And don’t make your own pizza sauce, because no matter how hard you try, it will end up gross because you put in too much garlic or used old tomato paste cans or used beef bullion or too many spices and you will risk ruining your pizza with some salty paste that tastes like dead rats. Almost. Almost tastes like dead rats.) Mozzarella cheese, mushrooms, spinach, and onion.
  2. Barbecue sauce. Onions. Monterey Jack and Cheddar. Dried Cilantro.
  3. Ranch. Mozzarella. Onions. Tomato. Bacon.

Go forth and conquer the world.

 

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